I Chickened Out ~ Real Talk About A Post I Wrote Last Week.
I wrote a post last week titled "Levelling up in business is actually a shattering of perceptions before it becomes an awakening".
I shared some basic things about how "big life situations" can shatter our beliefs, perceptions, hopes, and dreams.
I went on to talk about how when this happens we are required to sort through it all if we want to become who we are meant to be rather than staying the same.
I had a LOT more to say but it felt too hard so I just wrote a bland old post about a concept.
This is what I meant to say.....
Two years ago I got pregnant and miscarried.
I was devastated.
I am totes fine now.
We have been trying to get pregnant ever since.
After enjoying the full 31 days of celebrating my birthday month (I turned 37 in March) I decided it was finally time to make an appointment with the infertility clinic.
The paperwork required to schedule the appointment was legit 10 pages long.
I called with questions and heard things like "transvaginal ultrasound" "egg donation and transfer" "in-vitro fertilization" and "sperm analysis" just to name a few.
I learned that some lab work taken during my miscarriage was indicative of needing additional support with having kids (but no one told me this....or I was so delusional with grief that I don't remember it).
In discussing all this with my lovely husband we started to have a deeper conversation about what it is about having kids that feels important.
Down the rabbit hole, I went.
I left no stone unturned.
I realized that instability of my childhood (lots of moves, issues between my parents and some trauma) left me with a deep desire to have kids so I can provide them with the safety, stability, and security I wished I had as a child.
I realized that I want to have kids to fulfill a fairytale of a vision I have about having an intact family with grandparents watching them regularly and having fun happy holiday memories.
I realized that I never imagined what it might be like to be married to my husband WITHOUT children.....that isn't what I signed up for was it?!?
I realized that I was totally afraid of my power and that having kids might help me stay small.
I started to intensely grieve all of my hopes, dreams, perceptions, and desires about what I had envisioned having kids would be like.
And now I am ready to go to that appointment with a much more informed and healthy understanding of my desires.
This profound awakening only leveled me to the ground for about 3 weeks.
It started when my coach called me out on using self-care as a way to avoid my darker emotions/feelings (she was right).
So here's my advice my loves.
Feel that shit.
Ask yourself the hardest questions.
Go all the way down, down, down to the bottom of the rabbit hole.
Light fire to your illusions so you can access the full clarity of your soul.
It will not be fun, nor pretty or easy but it will most definitely help you navigate yourself to a life that feels better.
Here's what I wrote for myself as a closing to this particular "big life situation"...
A NEW MANTRA/PRAYER/CLAIM
*I will no longer justify my position or hustle for my worthiness.
*I will no longer shrink small to avoid conflict.
*I will no longer trade my power for perceived security, safety, or stability.
*I will no longer allow myself to turn outward to determine my value.
*I accept that I am doing the very best that I can and I still make mistakes.
*I accept that I am my own worst enemy.
*I accept that uncertainty cannot be avoided.
*I acknowledge that the universe conspires with me if I can only get out of my own way.
*I acknowledge that I can not possibly see things before they unfold.
*I acknowledge that I will forever be a work in progress.
*I acknowledge that fear can be my best friend.
*I acknowledge that I must be willing to dismantle everything I think I know to be true to access the clarity of my soul.
*I commit to this journey.
*I commit to myself.
*I commit to staying aware of how I relinquish my power out of fear and then work my way back to center.
*Help me to show up each day and be the best possible version of myself.
*Help me to know how to fulfill my divine assignment.
*Help me to serve to the best of my ability.
*Help me to know the next best step.
What if any of this post resonates for you?
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